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"We can manage it on our own," Juliet said eagerly. She was right. Of course we could manage it. Ever since I was about nine years old mother and I had taken annual trips on the river in a houseboat. True, we had always gone on these jaunts with Uncle Ted and Aunt Margareta, and that was the problem concerning the upcoming trip.
Uncle Ted's father had died, so he and my Aunt had to go north for the funeral, and to wind up business affairs. The houseboat had been booked and the deposit paid. The question was, would mother and I go on our own? We could certainly physically handle the boat and mother was as always very enthusiastic about our river vacation.
She was, perhaps, somewhat more ardent about our taking this trip than usual. I was less zealous. The thought of two weeks alone with mother on a houseboat, travelling a particularly remote part of the Great River, somehow disturbed me. It was as if the prospect stirred in me those feelings, those longings that the conscious mind managed to repress. At this point, I could not identify what it was that caused me to hesitate about the trip. There was simply a slight feeling of apprehension.
I looked up at mother and saw her beautiful but strange gray-green eyes fixed on me. Ever since I was a child, I had ambivalent feelings about those eyes. They had a hypnotic quality about them. It was as if she could read one's thoughts. On the one hand I loved to look into them, yet at the same time feared what she would see in me. Looking back, I wonder if she could read those desires that I myself could not or would not acknowledge.
I should explain that at the time I was twenty years old. Mother, whom I usually called by her name, Juliet, was thirty-six. My birth was the result of a little bit of sexual experimentation with an older boy at the same school when my mother was a young high school student.
I have never known, nor have I sought to know, who my father is. I gather that his family must have been well heeled, as money continued to be paid to my mother until the time I began my working life.
Juliet, as I shall now call her, was offered and refused an abortion. She was equally adamant about my being adopted out after my birth. The upshot was, my grandparents undertook my upbringing for the first years of my life, while Juliet continued to study. I have learned that during my first year she did breast feed me.
At that time, she was more like an older sister than a mother. When I was about five years old, Juliet began to take on more and more of the mothering role. When I was eight years of age, she had graduated as an accountant, and we moved into a place of our own. From then on, she accepted sole responsibility for my upbringing, but the older sister aspect of our relationship continued.
As I entered puberty, and became more intensely aware of myself as a sexual being, I did wonder from time to time how and when Juliet might have any sexual relationships. I had never been subjected to any visiting or resident "uncles." If Juliet did engage in sexual activity, she kept it well out of sight and sound from me. I must confess that I was not equally circumspect in my sexual behaviour, and Juliet must have had more than inkling, concerning my love life.
Our relationship as mother/sister and son/brother, was a very close one. I loved Juliet deeply, and knew that the feeling was reciprocated. From childhood right through my teenage years, I was always very proud to have such a young mother. When I brought home friends from high school, I was amused to see them staring with a mixture of wonder and desire at my very attractive mother.
At the time that the upcoming river trip had been arranged, I had decided for two reasons that it would probably be my last trip. First, at twenty the idea of a family holiday no longer appealed. I wanted to be a free spirit. Second, it meant two weeks of sexual abstinence, as I would be cut off for two weeks from my usual sex partners. Consequently, when I first heard that my aunt and uncle would not be able to come on the trip, I thought, with a little relief, that it would be called off.
Now Juliet's eagerness for the trip made me a little ashamed at my own lack of enthusiasm. With her penetrating eyes upon me, and my sense of churlishness to make me feel guilty, I finally agreed we should go.
Our trip began on a Saturday morning. The town from which we left was the last of the closely inhabited countryside. From the north of the town and for the next one hundred and sixty kilometres, the river flowed through sparsely inhabited country, its banks lined with ancient gum trees, and young stands of trees grown up since the last great flood.
One could be very isolated here in an environment that seemed as old as time itself, the only contact with the outside world being one of the five locks that were between our starting point and the next town north. It was necessary for us to take at least one week's food supplies with us.
Sitting at the steering console of the boat, I could faintly hear the thump of the diesel motor, which only occasionally intruded more loudly when the stern door of the main cabin was opened. We cruised up stream at about eight kilometres an hour, and down stream at nine kilometres an hour.
The main cabin of the boat consisted of three bedrooms, two with double beds and one with a pair of bunks, and the main area that combined the steering console, kitchen and dining areas. In addition, there were fairly spacious fore and after decks, the after deck being used for fishing and with a ladder that dropped into the water for swimmers.
After a couple of hours we had left the inhabited areas well behind. While I steered the boat, Juliet had been tidying away our supplies and making preliminary preparations for the evening meal. We had left the town at midday, and it was our custom to stop traveling at around three in the afternoon. This gave us time to swim, go for a walk in the forest that lined the banks, or try our luck at fishing.
Her immediate tasks completed, Juliet came to stand beside me at the console. I was seated and this brought her breasts level with my face. This must have happened many times before on previous trips, but for the first time, I was intensely aware of their beauty. She wore no bra, and needed none. Her breasts moved in that lithe, sensuous way they are prone to when unbridled.
Her closeness enabled me to catch the fragrance of her body. Ever since childhood this had fascinated and delighted me. I had never known Juliet to use perfume or deodorant. Her delicious body aroma came from a brand of soap she used, and which gave her an antiseptic smell. This was only slight, but conveyed a sense of cleanliness. As a child, I used to hug close to her just to catch that lovely odour. Now, whilst being reminded of those earlier days, I found a new dimension added as I felt a stirring in my groin.
I sought to suppress the feelings that were starting to well up within me, reminding myself that Juliet was, after all, my mother, however young and ravishing she might be. I tried to distract myself by pointing out features of the landscape we were passing through. My attempt sounded forced and artificial to my ears.
Fortunately, just as my penis began to harden inside my shorts, Juliet pointed out a small group of kangaroos standing close to the river. If this did not do very much to diminish my embarrassing physical problem, it at least meant that Juliet's attention was elsewhere, and would not perhaps notice my growing predicament.
As we went round a bend in the river the kangaroos passed out of sight. Fortunately Juliet decided to do some more stowing away, and with the comment, "I suppose we should be thinking about pulling in soon," she left my side.
I began to look out for a suitable spot to take the boat in. For those who do not know these boats on our river, I should briefly explain their design.
They are built on two pontoons and are rectangular in shape, being longer than they are broad. The method of tying them up is to take the boat bow first into the bank until the pontoons either touch the bank, or ground on the riverbed. The boat is then tied with four ropes, the up stream stern rope first, to hold the boat against the stream, thus:
Partially distracted from my sexual arousal, I shortly found a suitable spot for the boat and began to run in towards the bank. Juliet stood by with the upstream stern rope, and as soon as we touched the bank she leaped off and secured the rope to a gnarled old man gum tree. As the rope tightened, I put the engine into neutral and joined Juliet in tying the other ropes. This done I went aboard and cut the motor.
We were engulfed by silence. There is something mysterious and age-old in the silence of our bush. Some people are frightened when they first experience it; some have even been driven mad. One can believe that the ghosts of the ancient people of this continent still hunt across the plains and through the forests, and for those who like myself, love this land, the primal passions can begin to emerge. The thin layer of so-called "civilisation" falls away, and a more primitive self emerges.
Juliet and I stood listening. The distant sound of a tree branch falling. The soft rustle of a creature moving in the bush. What sounded like the thump of a kangaroo bounding away from us.
It was as if we stood amid the first sounds of Eden, but suddenly Juliet whispered, "Look, David." She pointed, and I saw a snake slithering into the river and begin to undulate its way to the other bank.
I thought: "Yes, there is always a snake in Paradise."
"Time for us to take a swim as well," Juliet laughed, and we went on board and down to the stern.
I lowered the short swimming ladder as Juliet undressed. When I turned, she was standing naked before me.
We had always swum nude on our river trips so I had seen her naked beauty many times before. Yet never before had her female loveliness so overwhelmed me.
On previous occasions, there had always been uncle and aunt with us, and their presence somehow distracted me from what now struck me so powerfully. Now, looking at Juliet, it was as if I was seeing her for the first time. Her penetrating eyes looking past me at that moment, the chestnut coloured hair falling in natural waves to her shoulders. The full mouth, large firm breasts with erect nipples, long shapely legs with the triangle of pubic hair at the top of her thighs, and through the hair could be seen a firmly cleft vagina.
I was utterly confounded. My penis began to rise again, and to cover my confusion I dived into the river. As my head came above the water, I saw Juliet climbing down the swimming ladder. Her back was towards me, and I saw her firm high buttocks. She dropped laughing into the water and swam away.
I splashed around for a while, but realised I should have to get out of the water before Juliet. My erection was still hard and aching. I could not bear her to see the feelings she was arousing in me.
I climbed the ladder and fled to my cabin. After drying myself, I pulled on my shorts and tried to arrange my genitals so they would not show. It was not very successful.
I decided to try my luck at fishing. As I set up my rod Juliet came up the ladder. I tried not to look, but it did not help it because Juliet came over to me and looked over my shoulder. One breast was brushing against my bare shoulder. "How could I have thought this was Paradise," I thought, it's hell.
"Going to try fishing?" Juliet asked. "I tried to answer, but it felt as if there was a lump in my throat, and all I managed was a croaking, "Yes."
"I'm going for a walk," Juliet went on, and disappeared into her cabin and a few minutes later she stepped ashore. I saw her start her walk along the bank and disappear among the trees.
Alone, I tried to come to terms with my wild emotions. I told myself over and over again, "She's your mother, not some girl at college. You can't feel like this about her." But I did feel that way.
Finally, I gave in and went to my cabin to masturbate. It provided some relief, but the thought, the desire, was still there.
I returned to my fishing just as Juliet came back on board and began the final preparations for the evening meal. My fishing to that point had been even less successful than my attempts to get sex and Juliet out of my mind. She called to me that the meal was ready, and with a feeling of trepidation, I went in.
Juliet had changed into a simple dress that hung loosely from her. It might have concealed her body and given me some peace, but instead it hardened me once more, for the dress seemed to hang from the points of her breasts in such a tantalizing way, that it sent the imagination raging.
The meal was eaten in what for us, was an unusual silence. I tried not to look at Juliet, but I was aware that from time to time her piercing blue-gray eyes were focused on me, and seemed to burn into my soul. "Oh God," I thought, "she knows what I'm thinking and feeling."
I struggled to eat the food, my stomach felt so knotted. As soon as the meal was over, I hastened to clear up so as to keep myself busy. Yet before us stretched the evening. I knew what must follow.
Ever since I was a child, Juliet and I had played our favourite game, Scrabble. Even without discussion, while I washed up, Juliet got out the board and tiles. Normally we would have played two, perhaps three, games. On this night Juliet brought me blessed relief when she said after the first game, "I feel tired, I think I'll go to bed."
I quickly agreed, and while Juliet went off for her shower, I cleared away the game and tidied up. As I finished Juliet came out of the shower room and called out that I could use it. I turned to see her coming along the passage naked. As if this were not agony enough, she came, and kissing me, said, "Goodnight, darling." The turmoil roared within me.
Hoping to give myself sufficient ease to at least get to sleep, I masturbated in the shower. It helped not at all. I lay awake trying to come to terms with the hopeless mess I felt myself to be. I wanted to flee, to leave the boat and go I knew not where. The thought of two weeks of this torment was almost beyond bearing, yet I must stay.
I masturbated again, and thus managing to gain some relaxation, I finally got to sleep.
Juliet gently shaking me awakened me. "Come on, darling, it's time we were on the move."
I didn't want to wake up. I didn't want to face the coming day, knowing what the nearness of Juliet, and the isolation we were penetrating into, would mean for me emotionally. Yet arise I must.
Breakfast was eaten in silence, and now I could feel a tension between us. Juliet, like me, seemed to be avoiding eye contact. I thought, "She knows how I feel, and now she is disgusted."
After breakfast, Juliet started the motor while I untied the boat, and then we headed upstream once more.
We were passing through beautiful scenery, but sadly, I was in no mood to enjoy it. Juliet too seemed preoccupied. After spending an hour at the wheel, she handed over to me, and sat on the foredeck seemingly lost in thought. After another hour had passed she took the wheel again, and so the day passed. Both of us seemed to be locked into our own thoughts.
Again, around three in the afternoon we pulled into the bank. We swam, and afterwards I tried fishing, but neither of us seemed to have any desire to do anything. It all seemed to be impossibly wretched, and I began to think I would try to discuss with Juliet turning back and going home.
I didn't carry out this thought because at the evening meal I was once more overwhelmed.
Juliet took a late afternoon shower, and I followed suit. When I returned to the dining area, I was stunned. The table was laid as if we were in an expensive restaurant. White cloth, napkins, cutlery laid out and two candles burning in the evening dusk. Above all, was Juliet's dress.
She had on a diaphanous sari, through which one could catch tantalising glimpses of her breasts and the dark triangle of her pubic hair. I thought my mind would explode.
"Do you like my dress?" she asked. "I got it especially for our trip."
I struggled to reply, but finally managed to get out, "It's beautiful, mother."
Almost immediately, I realised that I had called her "Mother" for the first time in years. I think she also recognised this and smiled.
The elegance of the meal was, I am sorry to say, wasted on me. What I feasted on was this lovely woman sitting opposite me. She was no longer silent, but I was unable to respond to her attempts at conversation. Yet, those attempts were not easy for her. I could hear the nervous strain in her voice.
There was no game of Scrabble that evening. Instead, Juliet suggested that we relax with some music. Knowing I would be unable to concentrate on the game, I readily agreed to her suggestion.
Using the boat's cassette player, she put on some of the Bach Brandenburg Concertos. Whilst some might think of these as an intellectual exercise in music appreciation, for me, unfortunately, they have always been very sensuous works, and I am sure Juliet knew this. They did nothing to relieve sexual stress.
After an hour of listening to the music in the gathering dark, I said I would go to bed. Juliet said she would stay up for a while.
Once more, there was no hope of easy or early sleep but eventually I dozed off.
How long I slept for I am not sure, but I was awakened by a change in the weather. When I went to bed the weather had been calm and quiet, the water barely rippling. Now as I awoke, I realised that one of those sudden storms the river gives rise to, had come roaring in.
The river acted as a sort of funnel for winds and seemed to increase their intensity. Now the boat was heaving and straining at its moorings, and I could hear rain pelting down on the cabin roof. I looked out of the window but in the blackness of the storm, I could see nothing.
At this point, I thought I heard my name being called. I listened and heard it again, "David." I got out of bed, and wrapping a towel round my middle, I went out into the passage. It was dark, but I could see a light under the door of Juliet's cabin. The voice came again, "David."
I knocked on her door and she called, "Come in."
Entering I saw she was naked and kneeling on the bed beside the window.
"Darling," she said, "Could you close this window for me? It seems to be stuck, and the wind is blowing straight in."
This I could see for myself, as some lighter items had been blown around in the cabin.
Trying not to look at her, I went to the window. She was very close and I could smell the alluring fragrance of her body. I was intensely aware of her femaleness and her close proximity. The window was one of those that slide sideways, and it seemed to have become angled so it jammed. I wrestled with it for a moment, then it slipped sideways.
Still not looking at her, I said, "Okay?"
"Thank you, my love," she answered, and I made to leave her cabin.
I had just got to the door when above the noise of the raging storm, and in the faintest of whispers Juliet said, "Don't go, baby."
I was not sure if I had heard aright. I was startled because the term "Baby," had ceased to be used by her when I was ten years old, and I had protested.
I turned back, this time looking directly at her, and for the second time that evening called her "mother." "Yes, mother?" I asked in a whisper to match her own.
"I understand, darling," she said. "It's all right. There's nothing to fear." As she said this she moved from her kneeling position and stretched out on the bed. Her eyes were upon me, earnest yet anxious.
This was the turning point. If I interpreted the situation wrongly, I was in danger of destroying a relationship with one I loved dearly. My emotions raged, matching the storm that was beating against the boat, which now rocked violently. I wanted to speak or move, but I seemed to be paralysed both in speech and mobility, except that I swayed to the motion of the pitching and tossing boat.